One Liners

[Jonno]

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular.

 

Grocery store flowers on valentine's day.  Show someone you care slightly more than not at all. 

 

[Jonno]

My mum use to say "40 is the new 30". Lovely woman... Banned from driving.

 

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that..

[Jonno]

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I would'nt read too much into it. 

 

My first job was being a Diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory.  As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."

[Jonno]

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started snowing.  If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

 

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan. 

 

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

[Jonno]

My girlfriend said, "you act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

 

Top causes of Divorce.

4. Finances

3. Infidelity 

2. Lack of intimacy 

1. Thermostat Wars

 

[Jonno]

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked why I hadn't pulled over.  I said we are still in Manchester.  

 

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag.  I said, ",nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

[Jonno]

What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. 

 

What's the difference between a £20 steak and a £40 steak? February 14th. 

 

 

[Jonno]

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

 

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say, "what the fuck are you doing".

 

 

[Jonno]

Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it's rainy outside.  "No- it's windy!"

 

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

[Jonno]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering.... do I keep the letters?

 

I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it. 

[Jonno]

You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.

 

To this day, the boy that use to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches. 

 

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. 

I gave birth 0 and I don't fit in my pants from December.  

[Jonno]

Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking or highjacking?

 

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again. 

 

Got an email today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. 🤣