Jokes #1 - 2025

[CuriousOne693]

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and, when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will never nag you, and will always be the first to admit she's wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need or want it.

Adam asked God, "How much will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest, of course, is history.....

[Slender Man]

So I was out having beers with the boys the other day.

The wife calls and says, " if you are not home in 10 minutes I'm feeding your dinner I cooked to the dog!"

I was home in 5 minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.

[Slender Man]

I spent £5,000 on a boob job for my wife. She was delighted. I spent another, £2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent £2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 40 quid on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking crazy! Women, I can't figure them out. 

[Slender Man]

Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work. 

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean..

[Slender Man]

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. He woke up in hospital with a doctor standing over him. 

He asked him, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday. 

[Slender Man]

An Australian goes to New Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says "mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep". The New Zealand guy replies, "fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone".

[Slender Man]

*My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she has ever met

I'm not buying it.

*My wife is leaving me because she thinks I'm obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

*My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don't worry... I'll be back.

[Slender Man]

*Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor tried to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.

Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?

*The police suspected that my doctor accidentally burned our house down.

But it was arson.

[Slender Man]

I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day. When I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly. "How dare you fart in front of my wife!'. So I said, "I'm sorry didn't realise it was her turn".

[Slender Man]

#My mother in-law stopped in for a visit.

"Staying long?" I asked.

"Just until I get on your nerves," she replied.

"Oh, so you won't even stay for a cuppa?"

 

#Named my daughter after my mother in-law.

Passive-Aggressive Nutcase just started secondary school.

[Slender Man]

An old man is at his bedside praying when his wife asks, "what are you doing?" I'm praying for guidance", replies the man. "Just pray for stiffness," says the wife, "and I'll guide the fucker."

 

 

[Slender Man]

My cock was in the book of World Records. 

But then the librarian told me to take it out.