Irish Eyes Are Smiling

[Nick]

 

 Irish Eyes Are Smiling

 

•     Definition of an Irish husband:  He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. 
     

 
  • Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.  Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. 
     
 
  • The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.  
     
 
  • An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" 
 "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. 
     
 
  • Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.  
     
 
  • Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." 
 "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" 
     
 
  • Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" 
 Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." 
     
 
  • Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
     
 
  • Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
     A.    A bachelor. 
     
 
  • Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home . 
     
 
  • Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.  "Quick!" he said.  "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" 
 "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." 
     
 
  • "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
    
 
  • Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? 
     
 
  • My mother wanted me to be a priest.  Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?