Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked, "Anyone have any papers?" And they all ran like fuck.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out the box.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.