Great Australian Jokes

[Aussie_oi_oi]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

A sheila walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to do her taxreturn.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."

[Slender Man]

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on a exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said, "In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "Well, in the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands....! 

[Slender Man]

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jeff says, "OK,  I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, "Where did you get that, Jeff?

Shane's wife gave it to me. 

Ricky continues, "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly," Jeff replied. When she answered the door, I said to her. "You must be Shane's widow". She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are." 

[Slender Man]

A Scotsman, a Chinaman, an American and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best. 

The Scotsman reckoned his was the best because they had the greenest grass.

The American reckoned his was because they had the most beautiful flag.

The Chinaman reckoned his was because of their great wall. 

The Aussie laughed we're the best, " cos we got the Kangaroo, and they can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag! 

[Slender Man]

Two Aussie priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a NicoDerm patch on it. He laughs and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day." 

[Foamy T. Squirrel]

[Slender Man]

"G'day mate, Aussie helpline here... What's the problem, cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye." 

[Slender Man]

3 Aussies are backpacking across NZ. As they're travelling they come across a kiwi fucking a sheep, so they yell out, "Oi mate, where we come from we normally shear them."

The kiwi shouts back, "Fuck off, I'm not sharing this with no-one."

 

 

[Slender Man]

A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.

After a while the Aussie says, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it would make us even."

[Slender Man]

Sheila brought a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on along with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite Bruce. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. 

Finally Bruce asks, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" 

"Y-e-s", she answers with a seductive smile.

" Thank Christ for that.... I thought the stuffing was coming out the lounge suite." 

 

 

Bruce to his mate: I love to watch my wedding video in reverse. I especially love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

[Slender Man]

Shane the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour she wanted in each room. They went into the first room and she said, "I want this room to be painted light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she said the next room was to be bright red. The builder once again went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the woman said, "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell, " green side up - what is that for?". 

The builder replies, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."