Jump to content

One Liners


Jonno

Recommended Posts

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I would'nt read too much into it. 

 

My first job was being a Diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory.  As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started snowing.  If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

 

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan. 

 

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

  • Haha 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My girlfriend said, "you act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

 

Top causes of Divorce.

4. Finances

3. Infidelity 

2. Lack of intimacy 

1. Thermostat Wars

 

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked why I hadn't pulled over.  I said we are still in Manchester.  

 

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag.  I said, ",nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

  • Haha 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. 

 

What's the difference between a £20 steak and a £40 steak? February 14th. 

 

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 3
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

 

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say, "what the fuck are you doing".

 

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it's rainy outside.  "No- it's windy!"

 

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering.... do I keep the letters?

 

I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it. 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.

 

To this day, the boy that use to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches. 

 

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. 

I gave birth 0 and I don't fit in my pants from December.  

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking or highjacking?

 

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again. 

 

Got an email today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. 🤣

  • Like 1
  • Haha 3
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...