One Liners

[Jonno]

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. 

 

Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW. 

 

 

[Jonno]

The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait.

 

How do you know the handprint on wet paint was left by a man? Because they can't look and not touch. 

 

I'm as bored as a slut on her period.

[Jonno]

What's got 10,000 legs and three pubes? A Taylor Swift concert.

 

My partner caught me shaving my pubes earlier. She asked, "what the hell are you doing?". Apparently, "preparing your dinner" wasn't the correct response. 

[Jonno]

Did you hear Alabama banned sex in doggystyle position? They said you should never turn your back on family.

 

My wife said there is no way that she will let me do her doggystyle. 

But I went ahead and did behind her back anyway.

 

Why do Canadian's do it doggystyle? So they both can watch the hockey game.

[Jonno]

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. 

Dirty bastards.

[Jonno]

Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it’s gone.

 

My cat just died. Can I play with your pussy instead. 

[Jonno]

Went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, "I've been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?"

"Whereabouts is it?", she asked.

I said, "I Don't know, could be miles away by now."

[Jonno]

A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination the doctor says, "why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygienic?"

The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

[Jonno]

What are a blonde's first words after graduating college? "Would you like fries with that?"

 

What is a blonde's favourite fairy tale?

Humpme Dumpme!

[milubo]

Woran erkennt man das eine Frau auf der ISS war ?
Der große Wagen hat eine Beule !

How do you know that there was a woman on the ISS?
The Big Dipper has a dent!

[Jonno]

Stop blaming yourself and others. Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture.

 

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

[Jonno]

There in no key to a woman's heart. Only a password that changes regularly.

 

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

 

Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously.  It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.