One Liners

[Jonno]

She wanted to sell me a whole bedroom set, but I just wanted one nightstand.

 

Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time... Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds...

[Jonno]

Porn is so unrealistic, my stepmom hated me.

 

People who buy sex dolls are just fucking dummies. There, I said it.

 

I asked my pilot if she'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. She replied, "I don't give a flying fuck. 

[Jonno]

Only 1% of women can orgasm from breast stimulation alone. If you are one of them, kindly contact me directly.

 

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

[Jonno]

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

 

All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.

 

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.

[Jonno]

Only after you get married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

 

My mother-in-law sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that Lonely.

[Jonno]

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out the box.

 

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

 

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

[Jonno]

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

 

My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper.

 

 

[Jonno]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked, "Anyone have any papers?" And they all ran like fuck.

[Jonno]

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

 

70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots. 

 

If I got a pound for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

[Jonno]

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

 

I drink to forget that I accidentally once said, "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep. 

[Jonno]

What can strike a blonde without even knowing it? A thought.

 

If pink and glitter were vitamins, blondes would be the healthiest people around.

 

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.

[Alexandria]

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.