Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
 That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
 He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." 
 She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
 John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
 "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
 The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
 The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
 She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. 
 Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics:
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: 
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. 
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have got an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" 🤣

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shepherd and a Chihuahua)
A poodle walked by and she says "I'll let one of you have your way with me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that won't work"
The German shepherd says "I love liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that won't work"
The Chihuahua says "Liver alone cheese mine" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on "Take Your Kid to Work Day."
As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

DON'T DESPAIR
Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening when she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a $100 note from her parents.
Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost in the street below.
Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the $100 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. 
The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.
The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her, so she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. 
Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full of $100 notes.
"What's this?" she asked.
"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand-new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20-dollar bill and tell me to take a hike!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, from Adelaide, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

 

Joke of the day 😉

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!
Noticing some bones on the ground nearby, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says..
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!

Moral of this story
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indianmen see cave, they holler'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A piece of string walks into a bar (yeah, it walks ok). Slides up onto a bar stool & hollers 'barkeep, 1 beer please'
A piece of string working behind the bar comes over & says "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string'
The 1st piece of a string looks the other up & down & says 'wtf' you're a piece of string too, you have to serve me!
The barkeep string replies 'no, Ima Frayd Knot'

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain!"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
😎 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun
loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send
this to see who else falls for it.
Have a great Day. Laugh, growing old is a privilege denied to many."