Jokes #4

[StnCld316]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

[StnCld316]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

[StnCld316]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

The old woman replies "You put in my husband's teeth last week,". "Now you have to remove them."

[StnCld316]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[StnCld316]

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.

- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and I couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

[StnCld316]

Three guys go on a ski trip together. When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he’s had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing.”

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the RLC apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301 I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Minnesota Wild fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Wild fans, too. 
 Not really knowing what a Wild fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd. 
 The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Wild fan." 
 "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" 
 "Why I'm proud to be a St. Louis Blues fan.", boasts the little girl. 
 The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Blues fan. 
 "Well, My Dad and Mom are Blues fans, and I'm a Blues fan, too!" 
 The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?" 
 A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Wild fan." 😉 LGB!!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😀

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the Desk sits down and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The welfare worker behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're Joking!"
The welfare worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A boy named Johnny ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.
"What's in the bag?" Johnny asked.
"Magic apples", said the old man.
"Prove it!", replied Johnny.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Grapes and oranges", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. Johnny took a bite and said that it tasted like a grape. "Ok, turn it over", the old man said.
Johnny  did and took another bite and said that it tasted like an orange.
He still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old man told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat p*ssy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spat it out, wiped his mouth and yelled, "That tasted like sh*t".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over." 😉

[letsdothis]

My twin brother called me from prison.

He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

[hs6127]

This is true.  I bought a new poop bag dispenser that looks like this:

 

All I can think of is this:

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD 
WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE........ 
MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. 
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. 
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 
YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. 
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 
THEN, THAT UGLY, 
OLD, 
BALDING, 
WRINKLED FACED, 
FAT-ASSED, 
GRAY-HAIRED, 
DECREPIT, 
MISERABLE, 
SON-OF-A-BITCH 
ASKED... 
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ??????  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.  So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded with:  " Rome!  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental!" exclaimed the hairdresser.  That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." 
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome 
"It was wonderful," explained the woman.  "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel; the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?" 😉