Freddie57 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 To make it stand, You wet it ! To make it wet, You suck it ! To make it stiff, You lick it ! To get it in, You push it! Darn !!!!!!! Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddie57 Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze. The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' 'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year! 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on: That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said. "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" Yelled Camilla. "Harder." Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" She cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed. "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip. "See! I told you. With a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried. "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Philip said to the Queen. "That's my boy! He served in the Royal Navy, once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!" 😉 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum." 😉 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 Murphy goes into the building site toilet, which is a small plank over a half oil drum which covers a hole in the ground: The ganger watched Murphy go in and starts to time him. After fifteen minutes, the ganger bangs on the door and shouts. "Murphy I know your in there." Murphy shouts back. "I won't be long." To which the ganger says. "You've been in there for fifteen minutes already." And pulls the door open. There he finds Murphy on his knees with the drum pushed to one side and his arm down the hole. "What the he'll are you doing?" The ganger asked. "Well." Said Murphy. "When I had finished, I went to get my jacket off that nail there and it slipped and fell down the hole and I'm trying to get it back." The ganger said. "Surely your not going to wear it after its been down there?" ”No, no." Said Murphy. "Of course not, it's just that my sandwiches are in the pocket." 🤣 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents: When she rang the door bell, Johnny answered. "Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father." She said. "Sorry. but they ain't here." He replied." She said. "what is it with your grammar?" "Haven't got a clue." Johnny replied. "But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!" 😉 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 How to Get a Raise A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?" 😉 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?" Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "priv*tes" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Darn I'm sorry I missed that." Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." 😉 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Joke of the day 😉 Yodeling. Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO" 😉 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonno Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 1. What's the difference between "incomplete" and "finished"? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he's finished. 2. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her. 3. How is a wife like a freezer? It takes hours of defrosting to get either wet. 4. How are marriages like fat people? Most of them don't work out. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonno Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 ×What do women and noodles have in common? Both wiggle when you eat them. ×How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw. ×How is a woman like a road? They both have manholes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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