One Liners

[Jonno]

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... But when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".

 

Our whole family is really worried about my Grandfather's Viagra addiction. Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

[TBG 150]

  On 2/19/2024 at 8:50 PM, Jonno said:

Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking or highjacking?

**Enjoyable!

 

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

**Oh, my!! 

 

Got an email today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. 🤣

**LMFAO

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[Jonno]

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.  Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

 

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Cinderella.  

 

Why do women pierce their bellybutton?  Place to hang their air freshener.

[Jonno]

Just because you have one doesn't mean you need to act like one.

 

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

 

Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He's been going through some shit.

[Jonno]

Spreading rumours? At least you're spreading something else besides your legs. 

 

You're so stupid you could count your balls all day long and never come up with the same number twice.  

[Jonno]

So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

 

The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

 

 

[Jonno]

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by end of the week. 

 

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason.... details are sketchy.

[Jonno]

Adam's girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorbike. He just rode on. Ruthless.

 

Scooters and fat girls are both fun to ride. Until your friends see you.

 

 

[Jonno]

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 

Top 3 situations that require witnesses. 1) Crimes. 2) Accidents. 3) Marriages. Need I say more?

 

Any married man should forget his mistakes. No use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Jonno]

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 

[Jonno]

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.

 

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication. 

 

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning. 

[Foamy T. Squirrel]

I'm a big fan of one-liner jokes. Can't help it.

I was born 9 months premature.