One Liners

[Jonno]

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

 

Just had a date with a woman who is a welder for a living, and oh my were the sparks flying.

[TBG 150]

6 minutes ago, Jonno said:

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

So, just think what 36 years will do to you. Nothing fazes me anymore.

[Jonno]

A girl in a restaurant asked me, "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.

 

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment. 🤣

[Jonno]

My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed, so I told her I had a headache.

 

I'm trying to finish a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

 

China has the largest population not because the men are extra horny or the women extra fertile, but because their condoms are 'Made in China'.

[TBG 150]

Quote

China has the largest population not because the men are extra horny or the women extra fertile, but because their condoms are 'Made in China'.

I never thought of it that way!

[Jonno]

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

 

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if it doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

 

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot instead.

[Jonno]

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

 

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

[Jonno]

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks? Can they not hear the music.

 

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me.

[Jonno]

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that.

 

Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.

[Jonno]

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

 

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

[Jonno]

If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly. Professional habit.

 

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? "Beat it - we're closed."

 

I'm always Frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.

[Jonno]

I can't believe you were the sperm that won the race, and you are still slow.

 

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasms. If you can't come, let me know.