When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
If I got a pound for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked, "Anyone have any papers?" And they all ran like fuck.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out the box.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.