Jokes #1

[letsdothis]

[Boitoske]

A pregnant woman got shot in the stomach when the bank she was in was robbed. Because of her situation the doctors could do no more than stitch-up the bullet holes and told her that no vital organs had been damaged and that the bullets would eventually find their way out of her. Later that year she gave birth to triplets, two girls and a boy.

Fourteen years later, mother was making breakfast when one of the girls came rushing into the room..."mum, mum, I was just having a poo and this bullet came out of me" The mother smiled and explained to her daughter what had happened to her fourteen years ago.

Five minutes later, the other daughter came running into the room..."mum, mum, I was just having a pee when this bullet came out of me" Again the mother smiled and explained the situation.

Another five minutes passed when the boy came running into the room,..."mum, mum" he started to say but mum said "yes dear, I know, you was on the toilet......" 

"Errr...no mum" he cried "I was having a wank.....and I've just shot the dog!!!!!!"

[Boitoske]

A mother bought her son a 250cc motorbike for his seventeenth birthday. After hugging and thanking her she handed him a pot of white grease. "Whats that for?" he asked. "Well" she replied "when it rains you can use that grease to rub all over the chrome on your new bike to stop it going rusty" He understood, putting the grease in the saddlebag, kissed his mum and told her he was going to see his girlfriend.

Arriving at his girlfriends house he was greeted by her dad, her mum and her sister. His girlfriend took him into the dining room where her saw that the table had been filled with food to celebrate his birthday. A few hours later all the food was gone. On the table was now a pile of dirty dishes, glasses and cutlery. 

"Okay" the girlfriends dad said "The first one to speak will do all the washing-up" 

After ten minutes just sitting and just looking around, the boy caught his girlfriends eye and with a wink and a nod towards the ceiling, inviting her upstairs, she smiled and nodded her agreement. Mum and dad just smiled as the two lovebirds disappeared upstairs. Fifteen minutes later the lovebirds arrived back at the table, flushed but still not speaking.

Another ten minutes passed when the boy caught the eye of his girlfriends sister. With a wink and a nod towards the ceiling, inviting her upstairs, she smiled and nodded her agreement.

Mum, dad and the girlfriend did not smile this time as the two made their way upstairs. Fifteen minutes later the two returned to the table. Still no-one had spoken.

Ten minutes later the boy caught the eye of the mother. With a wink and a nod towards the ceiling, inviting her upstairs, she smiled and nodded her agreement. As they left the room, dad was red in the face, the girlfriend had tears in her eyes and the sister looked glum. But nobody spoke.

After arriving back at the dining table fifteen minutes later, the boy looked out of the window and noticed it was raining. Thinking about what his mother had told him, he rushed outside and took the grease from the saddlebag, suddenly realising that he did not have any work gloves. He ran back into the house, putting the grease on the dining table as he made his way to the kitchen when suddenly the girlfriends father stood up shouted "Alright, alright son, I will do the bloody dishes!!!"

 

[Boitoske]

A pensioner and his wife were celebrating being married for fifty years. He suggested they should visit the old farm where they had first met to relive their memories.

Arriving at the now deserted farm they made their way to the field at the back until they came to the barbed wire fence where they had had their first kiss. With his arm around his wife he whispered to her "do you remember our first kiss?" "Oh yes" she smiled "I remember it well" They kissed each other passionately. 

He whispered again "and do you remember the first time we made love?" "Oh yesss, I remember it well" she replied. They looked lovingly at each other as he dropped his trousers and she took off her knickers. As he leaned forward, inserting his member into her, she leaned backwards against the barbed wire fence as he started pushing harder into her. She started to go wild, flinging her arms in the air, kicking her legs up, screaming and gasping. This went on for ten minutes before he deposited his cum into her. She collapsed onto her knees. He knelt down beside her, putting his arms around her "Darling wife" he whispered "you was never this wild during our love making in the fifty years we have been together. What has changed?"

"I'll tell you what has changed" she replied "Fifty years ago that bloody barbed wire fence was not electrified!!!"

[letsdothis]

[letsdothis]

[letsdothis]

[Thestarider]

Makes perfect sense to me

[letsdothis]

When gathering berries, you have to be picky.

[letsdothis]

Where do thumbs hang out at work? At the space bar!

[letsdothis]

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You gave me one too many.”

“That one's a freebie.”

[letsdothis]

What did the two English teachers do at their wedding ceremony?

 

Exchanged vowels.