Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?"
 The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the heck was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH" 😉

[tle]

Deer hunters were being interviewed and were asked what they used to cover their scent when hunting…

One hunter answered…. I just eat canned baked beans for two months before the season opens…. Also doubles as a buck call…

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Adults only
NUDE SANTA ----- 
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !
Sometimes I just can't believe you!!! 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. 
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. 
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" 
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" 
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. 
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his new wife.  The shop owner suggested a parrot named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols  This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. 
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the shop owner's reply.  Here, let me show you.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot and Chet began to sing:  "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!".
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot and Chet 's tuned changed to "Silent Night, Holy Night".
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. 
When his  wife saw her gift, she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful !", she exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "but, he can sing.  Let me show you".  So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:  "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells".
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy Night...".
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs"?
The man did not know.  "Let's try it", he answered, eager to please his wife.  He held the lighter between Chet's feet and Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and began to sing loudly like it was the performance of his life...... 
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire. 😉

[StnCld316]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

[StnCld316]

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
 

Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
 

Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
 

Policeman: "About a gallon."

[StnCld316]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
 

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
 

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
 

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[StnCld316]

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

[StnCld316]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”