Jokes #4

[StnCld316]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[StnCld316]

Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts..."
Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt?"
Patient: "Right around the entrance."
Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt."

[StnCld316]

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
 

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
 

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[StnCld316]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
 

"No", says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
 

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
 

The neighbor says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
 

"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?"
 

The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."

[Cutebaby]

What's the difference between America and Flash drive???
One is USA and the other is USB🥸

[SPYING 1]

 

[StnCld316]

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos...
there are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY,
people were always winging wong numbers.

[StnCld316]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding
she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected
'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85
year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight
and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy ! each other.


But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'



Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I
was here already?'


The moral of the story:


Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages

[StnCld316]

A father asked his 12-year old son if he knew about the
birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.
'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no
Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[StnCld316]

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything.
The rednecks are getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two at the "gentleman's game," so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off.
The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold.
The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!"
He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!"
One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!"
The gay heard that and started shaking his friend, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

[StnCld316]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[StnCld316]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."