Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”
The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years!”
“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”
He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”
“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”
“Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”
“Well,” St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!” 😉
 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Biker Bob went to visit his buddy Biker Jim in Japan.  They met each other at the airport and after a great meal, Biker Jim decided to treat his friend to a good time at the local whore house.  He walked in and picked out a young lady for his friend Biker Bob. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "fuka ho-ru! fuka ho-ru!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going faster and harder than ever.
 The next day Biker Jim decided to treat his friend Biker Jim to a game of golf as a big thank you for the night before. When they were out on the 9th hole Biker Jim got a hole in one and Biker Bob decided to impress his old friend with his new knowledge of the local language so he raised his arms and shouted, "fuka ho-ru! fuka ho-ru!"
Biker Jim glanced over at his old friend, scratching his head and stared at him quizzically. He then looked at the flag, the green and the score card and said "Whatcha mean 'wrong hole'?" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

🤠🤠A Young Woman was preparing for her Wedding. 
She asked her Mother to go out and buy a Nice, Long Black Negligee and carefully place it in her Suitcase so it would not Wrinkle.
Mom forgot her task, until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a Short Pink Nightee. 
She bought it and quickly threw it into the Suitcase.
After the Wedding, the Bride and Groom enter their Hotel Room. 
The Groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new Bride to change in the Bathroom and promise not to Peek while he got ready for Bed.
While she was in the Bathroom, she opened her Suitcase and saw the Negligee her Mother had thrown in there. 
She exclaimed, "Oh No, it's Short, Pink and Wrinkled"..
Then her Groom cried out, 
"F.F.S.. I thought I told you not to Peek".. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose, "I think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"No that felt like snow to me, dear" Said his wife.
"No, I am sure it was rain" insisted the man. 
They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a communist party official walking towards them. 
"Let's not fight about it" said the man. "Lets ask comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the man approched, the husband said "Tell us comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" 
"It is raining of course," he replied, and walked on. 
But the woman insisted. "I know that felt like snow," she said.
Her husband replied ,"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear". 😉
 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 T

three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy Balloon said to baby balloon, look, son, you are much too old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby Balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No, you are not sleeping with us and that's final. Ok, said baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby Balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with Mummy and Daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said Son, I am really disappointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, your mummy down, and yourself down too. 😉

[Freddie57]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other.

"Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

[Freddie57]

Last night I was about to take a short cut through the graveyard when two young ladies stopped me.

"Can we walk with you?" said one of them. "Please?"

"Sure," I said, and off we went.

"It really freaks us out walking through the graveyard after dark," explained the other.

"No problem," I said. "...It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

[Freddie57]

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off to make love in front of a--formerly--live audience. The pair finds a flat tombstone to lay down upon and begin kissing, rubbing, thrusting. The sex is incredible; their faint spark ignites into a supernova.

Perhaps going a little too hard, Mrs. Thompkins gets a really bad pain in her hip, after they finish. Next day, in the early afternoon, she goes to a doctor to make sure there isn't a serious sprain. Her physical and body inspection are done, and she patiently waits to receive the results.

Before too long, the doctor returns to her with a bewildered expression on his face."Well, Mrs. Thompkins", he says, "there is no fracture or sprain, just a simple over-extension of the muscle tissue; take things slow when you move and it'll straighten out in a few days.

"Oh, thank goodness", she says, hand covering her heart in relief. "And thank you, doctor!"

The doctor's forehead creases. "Ma'am, may I ask you one, somewhat unrelated, question? A slightly strange question?"

Mrs. Thompkins, now befuddled herself, answers "Sure. Go ahead."

"Exactly how old are you?"

"I'm 41. Doesn't it say that on my file? Born on February 7th, 1982."

"Well, yes it does---but on your left ass-cheek, it says you died on August 12th, 1917."

[tle]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"  The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."  "But I didn't use them."  'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."  "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."  "Well, we have them, and you could have."  No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"  "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."  "But I didn't!"  "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 

[tle]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices
there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." 

He replied, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Tom Lato was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening.
He Answered The Door With A Big Smile
And said how are you this evening,
 And what's on your mind!!!!
She replies,
"I'm so horny that I can't stand it."
"I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. 
Are you free tonight?". 
"Yes!!!!" he replied enthusiastically.
"Wonderful," she said. 
"Would you watch my kids?"  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

This limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire." 😉