Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Aussie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season begins

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, I love you, too.
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
 

Husband's Diary:
A one-foot putt.. Who the f**k misses a one-foot putt?

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Best Friend

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.

"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A skinny young fella with a face full of rings and spikes through his eyebrow, nose and lip, applies for a job with a Captain of a fishing boat. The Captain is doubtful but the young fella is very sincere and pleads that he really needs the job, and he's a hard worker, reliable and honest. So the Captain gives him the job as a deckhand. On the first trip out, it was rough seas, and the First Mate was keeping an eye on the new guy swabbing the deck. All of a sudden a big wave crashes over the deck and sweeps the young fella overboard. After a few minutes, the First Mate realises that the Captain must have missed it and went to the wheelhouse to tell him about it.
First Mate: Hey Captain, you know that young fella who said he really needed this job and was a hard worker, reliable and honest?
Captain: Yeah, what about him?
First Mate: He just took off and stole your mop!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Rakesh is 33 years old and still single. One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Rakesh replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution. Just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Rakesh answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Rakesh replied, "Now my father doesn't like her."🤣

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  
It's the spring of 1957 and Rob/Bob goes to pick up his date, Angie Bartels . Rob/Bob is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Angies father answers and invites him in.
'Angie is  not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That's cool.' says Rob/Bob
Angie ''s father asks Rob/Bob what they are planning to do. Rob/Bob replies politely that they will probably just go to the mall shop or go to a drive-in movie.
Angies father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Rob/Bob and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Angies father, 'Angie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Angie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Angie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
 That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
 He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." 
 She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
 John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
 "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
 The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
 The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
 She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. 
 Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. - 'My darling,'
he whispers, 'I know dis you first time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything - just anything you want.. You just ask.. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, - 'I want to try someting I
have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..... - 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas? 😉

[tle]

A cowboy walks into a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately the locals had a habit of always picking on strangers and when he finished his drink he found his horse had been stolen.

He walks back into the bar, flips his gun up into the air, catches it and fires a shot up into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” He yells… No one answers.

“Alright, I’m going to have another beer and if my horse ain’t back by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I did in Texas! And I don’t want to do what I had to dun in Texas!” The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside and his horse had been returned.

Before he leaves town the bartender asks, “Say Partner, what did you have to do in Texas?” The cowboy replied, “I had to walk home.”

[TBG 150]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[TBG 150]