Jokes #4

[TBG 150]

[TBG 150]

[TBG 150]

[tle]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. 

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. 

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." 

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. 

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[tle]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

At the table he asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Okay, Okay, I was at a friends house watching movies.” 

Dad asks, “What movies did you watch?”

Son say, “We watched Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son again. Son says, “Okay, Okay. We were watching dirty stuff.”

Dad says, “What! At your age I didn’t even know what dirty stuff was.” The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “After all… he’s your son.” Robot slaps the mother.

Robot is now for sale.

[TBG 150]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list.
 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
 
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
 
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  (the same could be said about men wearing a dress)

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[tle]

A husband walks into Victoria Secrets to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price – the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife, asks her to go upstairs and put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea… it’s so sheer I may as well be wearing nothing… So that’s what I’ll do… Wear nothing. I’ll do the modeling naked and tomorrow take the negligee back and get the $500 and keep it for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good grief! For $500 you’d at least think they’d iron it.”

He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at noon… The coffin will be closed.

[TBG 150]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch, he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" ... 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.
Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.
His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies sold, the captain got a call from the general. He was so impressed he decided he wanted to meet the young soldier and learn the secret of his sales success.
The general and the captain went to the personnel office and asked the soldier his secret.
"I don't know, I just sell them the insurance," he shrugged.
"Well, let's see you in action," the general said.
They called in a recruit and sat in as the young soldier went through his pitch.
"Now, there's a great life insurance plan," he began.
"Uh, I don't think so," the recruit said. "It costs a lot."
"I know, but if you buy the insurance and get killed in battle, the army has to pay your survivors $200,000," he said. "But, if you don't have insurance, they pay your survivors $6,000."
"Yeah? So?" the recruit said.
"So," he said, nodding at the general. "Who do you think this asshole is going to send into battle first?" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

I was sitting on a bench talking to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way:
He said. "Up until last week,I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, a roof over my head, HDTV and Internet and I went to the gym, the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked. "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" 
"Oh no, nothing like that." He said. "No, no. I paroled 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]