Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[TBG 150]

Brian lives in San Luis Obispo (CA). He was sick of the world, sick of COVID, Trump, Fox News, the "My Pillow" guy, Russia, China, global warming, street crime, fentanyl, illegal immigrants, racial tensions & the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Brian drove his car into his garage & then sealed every doorway & window as best he could. He got back into his car, wound all the windows up, selected his favorite radio station, started the car & revved it to a slow idle.
Five (5) days later, a worried neighbor peered thru his garage window & saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services. They broke in & pulled Brian from the car. A little sip of water &, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition. However, his Tesla had a dead battery.



Brian is a registered Democrat.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of chocolates.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The
teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne?
No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. 
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. 
The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. 
She decides to go up and investigate. 
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. 
The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs ,
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. 
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. 
Where have ye been all this time, child? 
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? 
Why didn't ye call? 
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'  
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'  
'Ye what!!? 
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! 
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'  
'OK, Dad... As ye wish. 
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. 
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)..... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .' 
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff..... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! 
I thought ye said a Protestant. 
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession                   approaching the nearby cemetery. 
A long black hearse was followed by a second  hearse about 50 feet behind. 
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.. 
Behind her were 200 women walking single file. 
The watching woman couldn't stand the curiosity any longer. She respectfully approached the woman with the        dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a        funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" 
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband,"  
   "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and  killed him." 
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?" 
   "His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her." 
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. 
  "Can I borrow the dog?" 
She replied, "Get in line."  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded... to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉 
A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan:
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir." The clerk told him apologetically. "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Sceptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00 and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. 
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read. 'Manicures, $20.00.'
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started to buzz and whirl. 
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read. 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. 
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end...🤣

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  🙂

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way. 🙂

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉

Two Army boys, Leroy & Johnny, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. 
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Johnny, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Johnny "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Johnny, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Johnny. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" 
So they have their drinks and pretty soon a young pretty lady comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Johnny, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." 
So Johnny goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. 
"Johnny" he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" 
"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"🤣