Jokes #3

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Little Johnny always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Johnny could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Johnny, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said little Johnny, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Johnny, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Women say that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 
Here is proof that they are wrong. 
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child". 
You never hear a guy say, "I think I'd like another kick in the nuts". 
Case closed. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.” 😉

[pulo filipe]

One fine day, an IT intern received an urgent telegram from his manager, which only said: P.O.R.R.A.! The next day the poor doormat hurried to answer by telegram: F.O.D.A. - S.E.! Returning to the main office, he was immediately called by the manager, who told him: -You had no right to answer me like that! Don't you know we're in cost containment? My telegram was simplified and the meaning of P.O.R.R.A. It's: 'Please Send the Late Report' The intern argued: - I know all this and it was exactly in that spirit that I answered you F.O.D.A. - S.E.! which means: 'It Was Dispatched Yesterday; Tomorrow Will Be Delivered.'

[pulo filipe]

Hello, my mother-in-law wants to jump out the window. - You got the number wrong, here's the carpentry shop.. - I know, but the window doesn't open

[pulo filipe]

Mom, Mom... at school they called me a liar. Shut up, you don't even go to school yet...

[pulo filipe]

The couple is walking in the mall and suddenly the woman asks her husband to buy her a beautiful bikini displayed in a window. - No way! - he grumbles. - With that washing machine body? No way! They continue the walk, soon after the woman asks her husband to buy her a dress. - With that washing machine body? No way! At night, before going to bed, the husband invites: - Hey, baby? Shall we put this washing machine to work? And the woman: - To wash that little piece of cloth? No way! If you want, wash it by hand!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. 
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. 
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. 
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. 
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ' 
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?' 
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?” 😉
 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉

The Pretty Golfer
Three of my friends, A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.Naturally, the guys all agreed.Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.If any one of you can tell me how to make this putt and par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then give him the best BJ that he's ever had in his life and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine? 😉