Jokes #3

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Inspiration of the day 😉

This is not funny but very touching story.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
"Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?""No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like take some home?" asked Mr. Miller. "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller. "Here 'tis. She's a dandy." "I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue, and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked. "Not zackley but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble," Mr. Miller told the boy. "Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in town, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."
I left the store, smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and, while I was there, learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and, knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary, we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two had nice haircuts, wore dark suits and white shirts... all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light-blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were those boys. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size... they came to pay their debt."
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."
With loving gentleness, she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles. A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green stoplights on your way to work. The fastest line at the grocery store. A good sing-along song on the radio. Your keys found right where you left them.
Never be in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A group of nuns was traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"
"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."
"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."
Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son... " but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!" 😉

[letsdothis]

[letsdothis]

[letsdothis]

10 + 10 and 11 + 11 equal the same number. 10 + 10 = 20 and 11 + 11 equals 20 too.

[letsdothis]

34 minutes ago, Aussie_oi_oi said:

This is not funny but very touching story.

What a beautiful, heartwarming story. When it started talking about the three guys at the funeral, I could barely read the words on the page.

[TBG 150]

1 hour ago, letsdothis said:

What a beautiful, heartwarming story. When it started talking about the three guys at the funeral, I could barely read the words on the page.

Yeah, me too! I had to dry my eyes to read the rest of the page and the texts following that. Having always lived in 'the city', there were not too many times that I saw situations like this growing up. 

We did have an old man, Bill, that ran the local gas station. We would always take our bikes to him when we had flat tires or needed the chain oiled. He would teach us how to patch the inner tube or turn the bike over to slowly spin the crank and oil the chain. He never asked for any money. But, back then, there was always a deposit on soda pop bottles and milk jugs and such. People always tossed them into the fields while driving instead of returning them. We collected the bottles and brought them to Bill, for which he exchanged to the supplying companies for the deposit. We always told him to keep the money for helping us.

The station closed up and we never knew what happened to old Bill, but he taught us a lot as kids and I for one am grateful for it. Thanks for bringing that memory back up @Aussie_oi_oi I'll go through the day with a warm smile inside.

[nagachilli2]

8 hours ago, Aussie_oi_oi said:

Joke of the day 😉

A group of nuns was traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"
"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."
"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."
Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son... " but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!" 😉

What a super story Aussie...I too struggled to get to the end 😢. With all the shit going on in the world right now, we need acts of kindness and heart warming stories like this.
Thx for sharing my friend...👌

Edit...My post corresponded to your previous story! 🤪

[letsdothis]

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Worse: With corrections.

[letsdothis]

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.

Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

[letsdothis]

The penguin family decides to go for a drive in their car, but they don’t get very far when the father penguin notices something wrong with the car. He pulls into a mechanic’s shop, and the mechanic is busy, so he tells the penguins to stop into the ice cream shop next door for a few minutes. When the penguins come back, the mechanic says, well buddy, it looks like you blew a seal. The penguin's face turns red, he is wiping his mouth with his flippers, and says indignantly, "I did not, it is only ice cream!!"

[letsdothis]

Irish math test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… “Ere ye go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”