pulo filipe Posted July 2, 2022 Share Posted July 2, 2022 A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner by candlelight in an upscale restaurant. Suddenly the waiter noticed that the man was slowly slipping under the table. The woman didn't seem to notice that her companion had disappeared. - Excuse me, ma'am - said the waiter - but I think your husband is under the table. - No, no - said the woman, looking calmly at the waiter - My husband has just entered the restaurant. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Scavenger Hunt A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" To which the little boy replied, "Our sitter's boyfriend." 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "what's up with these chickens?" The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "don't know, haven't caught one yet 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day. Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your midlife crisis 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal. I hate Sprint!! Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL. As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I was still lost.. 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,” Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.” You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, ! ! ! "You've built a Golf Course too!!!! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do your think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 14, 2022 Share Posted July 14, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at the local Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club.' 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 14, 2022 Share Posted July 14, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Little Johnny Learns About Society: Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’ That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his diapers. He runs to his mom and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed. The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain. “A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep as the rich are screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit,” Johnny explains. 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted July 16, 2022 Share Posted July 16, 2022 A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “No it will not, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!” 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!" 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to, "Dad"... With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter... Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy... In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren... Love, Your Son John... PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house... I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home... 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.thumb.gif.e335e3b234713d678b8911e6eec69d7b.gif)
Recommended Posts