Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs. Forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand.
But changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,”father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest apologized” sorry sister but the flesh is weak “.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129: it said,”go forth and seek further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 😉

[tle]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "Da End is Near – Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now – Afore It Be Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "You religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay….. Bridge Out?"

[tle]

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:  "Free Sex with Fill-Up, just guess the right number between 1 and 10."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his Free Sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his Free Sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No Free Sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no Free Sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away Free Sex."

Bubba  replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[tle]

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

 

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

 

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said.

 

The woman agreed to have a bath outside the following Monday.

 

After her husband had gone to the pub for his dart match, she heated the outside tub and watched the woman get undressed.

 

She was surprised to see that the gal didn't have any pubic hair.

 

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden so you can see for yourself."

 

So, the following Monday, while the gal again got undressed and was getting into the tub, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," she replied. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

 

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.

 

The gal finished her bath and went to bed.

 

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?!"

 

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

 

"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!

[TBG 150]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[TBG 150]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[TBG 150]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[TBG 150]

.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

JOKE OF THE DAY

Two guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. 
The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 77 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and as a bonus, you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at a bakery. As he's looking around, the lady asks how she could help. 
"Do you have any Italian bread?" 
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 
"I'll take three loaves." 
"My goodness, three loaves!" she exclaimed. "By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard." 
The man replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me! 😉 
 Hahahahahaha! For you Buddy! 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable..!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.
"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to Florida together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
 Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."
 "I do?" questions the confused youngster.
 "Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
 The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
 "You mean like my other Daddy does?" 😉