Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce! "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

As Johnny knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, he couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." Johnny said sternly. "I don't even work here." 😅

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday. Feeling a bit lonely she thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome "hunk" with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs . . . she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled buns. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
A man answered, "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"Oh, my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
The voice said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic,
but you need to dial 9 for an outside line." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

The Drunken Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?''Fred,' the cowboy moaned.'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied.... "the balcony..." 😉

[tle]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[StnCld316]

A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

[StnCld316]

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he dies.

Bill says 'Someone needs to tell Steve's wife'. Joey says 'I'll do it, I'm very sensitive'.

Joey goes off, then a few hours later comes back with two cases of beer.

Bill asks 'Where did you get the beer?'

Joey says 'Steve's wife gave it to me'.

Bill says, 'You told her Steve was dead and she gave you beer?'

Not exactly. When she answered the door I said "You must be Steve's widow', she said 'I'm not a widow" and I said "I bet you two cases of beer you are".

[StnCld316]

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random.

As a man answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin... "

"Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter, "That man was not a bit happy with our call."

"He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him."

"Now watch this... "

The father dialed the same number again.

"Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply.

"You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here!"

"You've got a lot of nerve calling again!"

The receiver was then slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger."

"Now I'll show you what exasperation means... "

He dialed the same number again, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"

The father then calmly said...

"Hello, this is Melvin... "

"have there been any calls for me?"

[tle]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

~John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person 

A final thought-“Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430BC.”

[tle]

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the basket on my bicycle. 

Then I realized that if I fell off the bike on my way home the bottle would get broken so I drank all the Jack Daniels before I left.

It was a good thing because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, "Is that your baby boy there?" The first woman replied, "Why, yes it is." 
The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, "That's my third child. We named him Beauregard Winston Baldwin the THIRD after his great great great grandfather, the famous Confederate general."
"That's nice", said the first woman.
The woman kept talking. "My husband is buying me a four carat diamond ring to celebrate his birth!"
"That's nice", said the first woman again.
""When my second child was born, he gave me a brand new Mercedes Benz and took me to Tuscany for the summer", she bragged again.
"That's nice", repeated the woman.
"And when I birthed our first child, my husband bought a yacht, named it after me, and we sailed round the world!" she continued.
"That's nice", said the first woman again.
"Is this your first child? What did your husband buy you?" asked the second woman.
The first woman turned to her and said, "When we found out I was pregnant, my husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school?!?!" The second woman asked incredulously. "Why?"
"Yes, well", the woman said, "that's where I learned to say 'That's nice" instead of "Who gives a f#$ 😉