Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do 
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a 
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule.  The
old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.  As he stood
there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle
of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance
. . . never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be
tied. When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly
through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very
slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the
young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those
twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've
always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid! 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A young blonde is in a Cessna 172 light airplane when the pilot has a heart attack and dies. 
The frantic young blonde calls out a May Day.   
“My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know  how to fly."  
She hears a voice over the radio  saying:  
"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the  ground.  Everything will be fine!  What is your height and position?" 
The blonde says,  "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
(After a long pause)
"O.K." says the voice on the radio…
"Now, repeat after me."
"Our Father Who art in Heaven… …" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called
and asked to speak to his client.
"Mr. O’Toole, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that
she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
The collector replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow!  Well done!  My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.” 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉 
Lawyers should never ask a Texas
 Grandma a question
 If they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.  😉

[Foamy T. Squirrel]

A woman's abusive boyfriend ran off one day. After a while, she got very lonely, so she posted an ad that said "Man wanted. Must not hit me. Must not run away. Must be terrific in bed."

Her phone ran constantly, and a line of men were lined up outside her door, but none of them met her qualifications.

She had all but given up her quest when the door bell rang.

She opened the door to see a man with no arms or legs laying on her welcome mat.

"But you have no arms!" she said.

"So I'll never hit you," he replied.

"But you don't have any legs, either!" she exclaimed.

"So I'll never run away from you," he said.

"No arms, no legs. Why on earth would I pick a man like you?"

"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

 

 

[tle]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shit load of firewood'.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Nine Months Later ...
Johnny, decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Johnny's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Johnny said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Johnny got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend with Bob.  He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" 
"Well, um, yes" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, because she just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Three men and a young woman are traveling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes a spicy turn.
The young woman proposes: “If each of you gives me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.
The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen gives me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.
The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.
The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke. Of the day 😉

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. 
It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this.. How much does he send you”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.” 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" 
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" 😉