Jokes #4

[StnCld316]

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

[StnCld316]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
 With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little
 angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
 rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently
 declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
 The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
 large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom,"
 he exclaimed. "For me?"
 "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. 
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" 
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." 
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.” 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

Whistling Blarney Billy Bags met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and shots, then she asked if him if he ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? He asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, 'No, I haven't.' They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. They went back to her place. When they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

Every year, Bob goes hunting during bear season. One year, Bob goes hunting, and shoots a small brown bear. Then, the mother of that small brown bear comes up to him and says, " I'll give you two choices, I'll either kill you, or make love to you, but I won't let you go."
Bob thinks on this, and decides he wants to live, so the mother bear then makes love to him.
The next year, Bob goes hunting again, but this time, he shoots the mother bear that he was forced to make love to the year before. He shoots her, and her mother comes after Bob, and again, gives him the choice. "I will make love to you, or kill you, which will it be??"
Again, Bob makes love to a bear.
The next year, Bob goes once again for revenge, and kills the bear that he was forced to make love to the year before.
This time, her sister comes up to Bob and says, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?" 😉
claimer- this is a joke!!!  No bears, or hunters was harmed in real life!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

A man left from work one Friday afternoon , instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting and fishing with the boys spending all of his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours she stopped nagging and said, " How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days " ? He replied " That would be fine with me ". Monday went by and he didn't see his wife, Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her just a little bit out of the corner of his left eye. 😉

[tle]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[tle]

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

[TBG 150]

43 minutes ago, tle said:

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

ROTFLMFAO!!

[StnCld316]

God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives

The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.

The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.

The third guy never cheated on his wife at all and was the most faithful he could have possibly been, so God gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive around in heaven.

Sometime later, the first and second guy found the third guy sitting down crying. When they asked him what was wrong, he said "I just saw my wife riding down the road on a skateboard."