Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Little Johnny was in class one day when the teacher says
"Ok class for history class today we are going to do something different. We are going to do a little art work. I want you all to sit there and draw me a picture of what you think was going through Custers mind at Custers last stand and when you are done bring me up your pictures."
Little Johnny got to work right away and within 2 minutes he walked up to the teach with his picture. He set it on the desk in front of her and slid it to her. 
When she picked it up all she saw was a pile of manure with a ring on top of it and next to it was a bunch of stick figure Indians having sex.
She says, "Johnny I thought I told you to draw me a picture of what you thought was going through Custers mind at Custers last stand."
Johnny says, "I did don't you get it?"
The teacher says, "No, please explain."
So Johnny points to the pile of manure and says,  "Holy shit, look at all of the fu----g  Indians!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

 Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannnibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu...
Raw Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Liberal or Grilled Conservative: $100.00
The guy called his friend over and asked, 'Why such A huge
 price difference for the politicians?'
The cook replied.... 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit ... it takes all morning.' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.  
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’ 
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. 
It's called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'  😉

[Slender Man]

[Slender Man]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatised I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life...
The dead bastard had a twin.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
 After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]