StnCld316 Posted April 5, 2023 Author Share Posted April 5, 2023 There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted April 5, 2023 Author Share Posted April 5, 2023 Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much that it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "*Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?*" Startled, Sophia replies, "*Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?*" Luigi answers, "*I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?*" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "*Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?*" Rosa answers, "*Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?*" He replies, "*I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?*" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "*Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!*" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "*Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...*" Luigi gasps, "*Thanka Goda!!! I thought I had a* ***CRACK*** *in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!*" 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted April 5, 2023 Author Share Posted April 5, 2023 Son: Son came home and told his dad that he got 0 in Mathematics Dad: how the fuck did you get 0 in mathematics Son: well the teacher asked me how much is 2+3 and how much is 3+2 Dad: well its the same shit Son: i said the same so she gave me a 0 Next day son came back again with a 0 but in gymnastics Dad: okay math is fine but how the fuck did you get 0 in gymnastics??? Son: well the teacher told me to lift up my left leg, and then to lift up my right leg Dad: then how the fuck are you supposed to stand? Son: thats what i said and she gave me 0 Dad: fine, but if you come home again with a 0, you will be punished forever So the next day son comes back and says he is kicked out from school Dad: whaaat?? How in the hell did you manage to do that?? Son: well, they called me in the principals office, and there was the principal, math teacher, gymnastics teacher and the biology teacher Dad: what the fuck was the biology teacher doing there Son: well that’s what I said and they kicked me out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted April 5, 2023 Author Share Posted April 5, 2023 A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!" 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted April 5, 2023 Author Share Posted April 5, 2023 a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing "I win it through gambling" he answers "nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling" "want proof? how about we bet on $1,000 that I'll kiss my eye right here" "what? that's impossible, ok I accept" so the boy removes his fake eye, kisses it and returns it, "hand me my $1,000 please" Mrs. Mary got angry and decided to gamble again, so the next day she demanded a rematch "ok, do you bet on $3,000 that I'll lick my ear ?", she thoroughly examined his ears, and after getting sure they're real she accepted, so the boy removed his fake tongue and licked his ear the next day, Mrs. Mary asked for a rematch, but no cheap tricks this time "ok, I bet $5,000 that you have pierced nipples" "ha, no", yelled Mrs. Mary as she removed her top and showed her unpierced boobs "fair enough, here's your $5,000, now allow me to collect my money", and she was confused as all the employees at the bank were paying the boy "what have you done this time" she said "oh, I bet each one of them $10,000 that I'd make you flash me your tits" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted April 5, 2023 Share Posted April 5, 2023 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted April 5, 2023 Share Posted April 5, 2023 A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : “Hey, I haven’t seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate. “I feel fine.” Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball. But I’m fine now.” Bartender: “Well, Okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…” Bartender: “What about that eye patch?” Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.” Bartender: “You’re kidding! You lost your eye just from bird shit?” Pirate: “Well, it was the first day with the hook.” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted April 8, 2023 Share Posted April 8, 2023 THE SHARING OF MARRIAGE…. A retired Master Chief in his 80's placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink at a McDonalds. After getting his order, he went and sat down with his wife. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking… 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the retired Master Chief began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The retired Master Chief said,.… They were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said..… 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the retired Master Chief finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked.… 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered…… “THE TEETH.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted April 13, 2023 Share Posted April 13, 2023 An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing his accent asks him, “What brings you to Canada?” The Irishman says, “Well I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said, ‘Drink Canada Dry’, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted April 20, 2023 Share Posted April 20, 2023 Joke of the day 😉 A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the Desk sits down and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job". The welfare worker behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year." The guy says, "You're Joking!" The welfare worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted April 20, 2023 Share Posted April 20, 2023 I was going to tell a joke about time travel but you didn't like it. 😉 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted April 20, 2023 Share Posted April 20, 2023 Joke of the day 😉 Paddy and Murphy who were unemployed decided to go to the mainland to work in the mines in Derbyshire, "But I've never worked in a mine before in my life" said Paddy, Neither have I" said Murphy, "But they don't know that, do they,Its a long way from Wales, so we'll say we've worked in the mines in Wales, they can never check, then we will pick it up as we go along!!" So they arrived at the mine, the manager said to them "Tell me, where have you worked before?" Both together they said" Oh we've worked in the mines in Wales" the manager replied, "Well we've never had anyone from the Welsh mines, tell me, what sort of lamps do they use?" Straight away Murphy spluttered "Oh we never went on the night shift, did we paddy!!. 😉 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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