Guest Tigurinn Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I guess that I just do jokes. I look at comedians like they need their head examined. Most aren't remotely funny. I sure hope you're not implying that The Rik Mayall isn't funny, because a) he's my favorite comedian and b) ...well, I don't need a b because the a was so great!! ;) (and yeah the above is a homage to a very similar joke he did in one of his tv comedy shows) But think about it, if you were the one telling the joke to your friend and you would ask him "What did the guy with the two foot cock have for breakfast?" and your friend would (hopefully) reply "I don't know" then you wouldn't answer "Well, this morning he had a boiled egg" - you would, of course, reply that you had had a boiled egg, implying you're the one with the two foot cock. Well, sod it. Let me tell another joke, the dirtiest and most filthy joke I've ever heard (and nope, not from The Rik Mayall - surprisingly!) ...absolutely 18+ ...heck, even 80+ and not for the faint of heart: Yesterday there was a guy fucking a pregnant girl and he found someone sucking his cock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foamy T. Squirrel Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Q: A Negro and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving? A: A cop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 It's so quiet down at the local mosque that you can hear a pin drop. That’s why you have to pull the hand grenade pin out in the courtyard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 What does an arrogant do-gooder New York doctor do after contracting Ebola overseas? Why, he goes eBowling, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tigurinn Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 (I am not to be held responsible for these jokes - they don't represent my views nor opinions and are simply a cut and paste job ...and a freakin' massive one at that ;D) Do you know why Norway played so badly in the last Basketball World Cup? Their best shooter was arrested in Utøya (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_Norway_attacks) I'm not racist, racism is a crime and crime is for black people. What's black on the bottom and white on the top? Society. And what's black on top and white on the bottom? Rape. Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already across the border. How are Nike and KKK similar? Both make black men run very fast. Why are black men so fast when running? All the slow ones are in jail. Did you hear about the Mexican who graduated college? Neither did I. How long does it take a black women to take a shit? 9 months Why did President Obama get two terms? Because every black man gets a longer sentence. When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again." A few weeks ago, my wife tells me that on her birthday she wants me to treat her like a princess. So on that day, I got her drunk, put her in a Mercedes, and crashed it into a tunnel wall. Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch it unless it's 20% off. What's the hardest part of being a pedophile? Fitting in. A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven. So, I was eating out this girl, and I tasted horse semen. Then I looked at her and said "Oh grandma, so that's how you died!" How do you pick up hot chicks at Auschwitz? With a dustpan. It was so cold today, a lawyer had his hands in his own pockets! How did we know that Monica Lewinsky would testify? Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed. Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No no, this time it's mustard." What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chelsea_Clinton). What do you throw to a drowning black man? His wife and kids What does spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a child then you will hate it as an adult A black guy and a Pakistani race to jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society. I like my women how I like my wine - 12 years old and locked away in my basement What's the difference between a hooker and onions? I cry when I cut up onions. What's the difference between a black guy that pays child-support and Bigfoot? They have pictures of Bigfoot. What separates man from the animals? The Mediterranean Sea Why are black people so good at basketball? They already know how to run, shoot and steal. Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away! How did the Scotsman find his sheep? Satisfying. What's long, brown, and stinks? The unemployment line. What's the difference between a black man and a park bench? The bench can support a four person family. What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn it, I burnt one!" How do Chinese people name their babies? They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make. What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A boy scout comes home from camp. How do you kill 100 flies at once? Smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape well 8 out of 10 because her dad is starting to feel sorry for her. What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail. How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? She has to chew before she swallows. A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone." This brother was banging his sister, and he says, "You f*ck like mom," and she says, "That's what dad said." How do you start a rave in Africa? Staple toast to the ceiling. How do you blindfold an Asian? With dental floss. What is the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. Why did Hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill. Hitler: Damn it! I never said Gas the Jews, I said Give me a glass of juice!" What's even worse than five dead babies in a dustbin? One dead baby in five dustbins. What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into a dead baby. What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period. What's the difference between a dead baby and a piece of toast? I don't cum on my toast before I eat it. Yesterday I failed my biology exam. The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer. How do you know Adam wasn't black? Ever seen a nigger give up a rib? Whats the difference between a gay guy and a chef? The chef stirs todays cooking while the gay stirs yesterdays cooking. Why are black people afraid of chainsaws? Cause they go "RUNNIGGANIGGGANIGGA" What do my daughter and a harp have in common? They both make beautiful noise when fingered properly. What's the difference between work and your daughter? I won't be coming into work today. What is the definition of confusion? Fathers day in Harlem. What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke. Why do black women always wear high heels? To keep their knuckles from scraping on the ground when they walk. An expression for shitting in the toilet in Germany is To put an Obama into the White House. What do 300 million white people call one black person? Mr. President. How do you fit 20 Cubans into a mayonnaise jar? Tell them its a boat to Florida. How was copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over a penny. There is a 3 story apartment building with one apartment on each floor. A white family lives on the top floor. A mexican family lives on the second floor. A black family lives on the bottom floor. At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrrible tornado hits the building and totally destroys it. Which family lived? The white family, because both parents were at work and the kids were in school. Why does Paris have tree lined streets? Because the Germans like to march in the shade. Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio a while ago? yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the roof.... How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None And now a few Jimmy Carr jokes British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Ill use an ashtray next time. Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering and I was wondering if it is wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies because I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops". I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries. My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says Slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look, of course, on the positive side; they can't read it. The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. I was laying in bed with my lover the other night when she looks over at me and says "I heard you were a pedophile." I said "Well, that's an awful big word for an 7 year old." Lets not turn this rape into a murder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozi Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 Why are muslims like semen? Because 1 in 500million has the chance to become a human being. On current stats, that's about 3, so I'd be putting my hand up pretty damn quick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted November 15, 2014 Author Share Posted November 15, 2014 A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how slick I am? The owner didn't see anything." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastry?" The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket...” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Two queers are on the beach, one says to the other, "Shall I put the umbrella up?" The other one replies, "yes but please don't open it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 A boy asks his Dad, "Why do people say gardeners have got green thumbs when their thumbs aren't green?" Dad replies: It's just a saying, son. It’s like, when somebody is caught stealing something, we say they have been caught 'red handed', even though their hands are actually black. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 How true that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Muslim :: Book 8 : Hadith 3311 'A'isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported that Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) married her when she was seven years old, and he was taken to his house as a bride when she was nine, and her dolls were with her; and when he (the Holy Prophet) died she was eighteen years old. And then Mo said, "Dear God! She is so tight but I am so small! Piss be upon you. I love the way she screams in the morning. Smells like..... Islam." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenKraft Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 In 1272, the Arab Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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