Who Got Jokes!!!

[CC Powerdriver]

Not the best one but their you go

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[CC Powerdriver]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[TBG 150]

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[jblak]

A woman goes to her gynecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina". The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".

[jblak]

Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party, Susan wasn't feeling well and Sam went on alone.

A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the party. She realised that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while he was alone.

She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had sex.

She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She asked him "How was the party?" He replied "Oh, the usual - you know I never have much fun at these things alone". "Didn't you even dance?" she asked. "No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I lent my costume to had a ball, though..."

[jblak]

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

"You are truly a wise veterinarian" they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily".

[jblak]

A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young woman lying on a blanket, crying. The girl's face and figure are quite attractive, but she has no arms or legs. The man walks over and asks "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?"

The girl looks up at him and says "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?" The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away.

But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks "What's wrong now? You've been kissed. Aren't you happy?" "Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me" she says "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever played with my breasts or my pussy". So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again.

Again he hears sobs, which are now louder than ever, and this brings him back. "What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?" "Yes" she says "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been fucked".

So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

[jblak]

A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie. After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says "Can I smell your fanny?" to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly replies "You certainly can NOT!!" He nonchalantly turns to her and says "Oh, it must be your feet then".

[jblak]

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and eventually asks him to drop his pants.

Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted up to the neck area.

The patient then asks "Wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i- t?" to which the doctor replies "Modern surgery can work miracles. We can replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear right after the operation!"

The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering disappears.

About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains "Doctor, I am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick, and rather than lose her I've decided to get my old dick back and live with stuttering for the rest of my life". The doctor then looks straight at the man and replies "d-d- de-deal's a d-d-deal".

[jblak]

A man was badly constipated, and had been for several weeks, so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories, and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.

When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, but he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one down, hoping that he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.

When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed: "What the hell are you doing? Swallowing them?" The man replied, sarcastically: "NO, I'M SHOVING THEM UP MY ASS!!"

[ww_watcher]

So, I sort of apologize, ahead of time, to the gay folks reading this...as told to me by a flamer I've known since elementary school. 

There was a bar frequented by longshoreman and it was about time for them to start popping in when in walks an obviously effeminate fellow. He struts up to the bar and orders a pink lady (I know, I know). The barkeep eyes him suspiciously and thens warns him, "you should probalby get outa here, tinkerbell, the regulars may not be so friendly." The fellow puts on his most indignant expression and tells the barkeep, "I know my rights and you'd better serve me or I will have this place closed down." The bartender fixes the drink and says, "Here's your drink. Go over into that corner and drink up then get out without talking to anyone. I don't want no trouble. You got that?" The fellow puts on a smug face and traipses over to the corner table and quietly sips his drink. A few minutes later in walks a big hairy burly man, filthy and um sweaty, and orders a beer and a whiskey chaser, slams them both and then tells the barkeep, "Bartender! Bring me the biggest steak you got. I am so hungry I think I could eat a whole cow...almost immediately you hear this small voice from the corner table go, "mooooo!!"

 

[TBG 150]

I don't see why you need to preface it all with an apology. You are catering to a very small portion of the population that insists that the world cater to them and I plain refuse. You wanna be gay, be gay, I don't care, but don't expect me to kiss your ass and treat you any differently. And don't try to shove it down my throat that it's normal to be gay, it's not.