jblak Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you". "Hold on" the wife says "I've got something to tell you first". "What is it?" asks the husband. "Well" the wife begins "before we knew each other, I... uh... had a sex change". "What exactly are you saying?" "Simply put" the wife says "I used to be a man". "My god" the husband replies "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblak Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says "Mine does..." -- Ladies: We don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblak Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I was driving home last night and I sent the wife a text saying "Be home in 5 min" she replied "Hurry, I'm up stairs naked and I've tied myself to the bed, come and put me in my rightful place". So I drove home, went upstairs and carried her back to the kitchen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblak Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law" John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in- law". "Yeah" John answered. "But I got mine pregnant". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 8 year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad", he replied. "You're in Ireland now", replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike”. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you! And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarleyFatboy Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 RLC :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozi Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Two nuns were travelling through Transylvania, stopping at the lights, a vampire jumped on the bonnet of their car and was clawing at the windscreen. "Shoo, shoo" yelled the driver. Nothing happened. "Now what do I do?" she asked, and the other nun said "Turn on the wipers to scrape him off". Still nothing happened. "Now what do I do?" she asked again. "I know", said the other nun, "Show him you're cross". "Get the fuck off my car you lousy piece of shit before I come out their and rip your fucking eyes out". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARMY SNIPER Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 didn't know exactly where to put this post but here it is. this is supposed to be true :idk: a man was going to bed one night,heard a noise in his shed, some people were stealing some thing's from the shed.he went immediately called 911. "hello police, i have some people who have broken into my shed and they are taking stuff from it" dispatcher says"i am sorry we don't have any people in the area right now" the guy waited a couple minutes and called the dispatcher back. "hello police,never mind,you don't have to hurry now because i just shot all of them" about a couple minutes later there was six patrol cars,a couple helicopters and a heavily armed emergency response unit on the scene. they caught all the burglars red-handed. one officer asked "i thought you said you shot them" to which the guy answered"i thought you said no one was in the area" THIS GUY IS A GENIUS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. > The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tophat Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 3 guys in a bar talking about their kids.First guy goes I have 5 boys enough for a basketball team. Then the second guy says I have 9 boys enough for a baseball team. All got quiet when finally pressed about the last guy kids he response was I got 18 girls enough for a golf course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodworker Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 This woman told me a joke that is kind of funny. This elderly woman got pulled over for speeding, and the policeman said; "Ma'am, I have to ask you, do you have a gun on you?" She then said, "Yes, it's in the trunk." The police officer then said, "Do you have any other guns on you?" She then replied, "Yes, there's one in the glove compartment." The cop then added, "Are there any more?" And she replied, "Yes, there is one under my seat, and one in my purse." The police officer then said,.. "Ma'am, just what are you afraid of?" She then said with a smile,.. "Not a fucking thing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Two nuns are asked to paint a room in the convent,and the instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while,the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room,strip off their habits,and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project,there comes a knock at the door... "Who is it?"calls one of the nuns. "A blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug,and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,they open the door. "Nice boobs,"says the man,"Where do you want the blinds?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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