Jokes #4

[tle]

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

“That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

[tle]

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the big city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up and then back down. When the doors open a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, “Son, go get your mother!”

[tle]

Daughter: Dad, I have a flat tire!
Dad: Can’t you call your husband?
Daughter: I tried, he didn’t answer.
Dad: Do you have a spare?
Daughter: He didn’t answer either.
 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

IF YOU MARRY A MISSOURI GIRL.
 Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
 The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
 and put away.
 The second man married a woman from Michigan. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.
 The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
 The third man married a girl from Missouri. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry
 washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
 down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

An old man, a boy & a donkey
were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people 
who remarked "What a shame… the old man
is walking and the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who
remarked "What a shame.... he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people
who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
So, they both rode the donkey. 
Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying "How awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye! 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage
anniversary:
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you
went to a bank, but nobody would give you any
credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself
signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second
time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and
nobody would agree to make the surgery for
you? And finally the head of the department
took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And
with whom have you been unfaithful to me for
the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate
to the position of city mayor and you were
missing 36 votes? 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.  That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As the left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, *I noticed the priest under the bed.”*😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉 
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
            'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' 😉

[pulo filipe]

Is this salty from today?

 No, it's from yesterday.

 And how do I eat today?

  Come back tomorrow!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

1 hour ago, pulo filipe said:

Is this salty from today?

 No, it's from yesterday.

 And how do I eat today?

  Come back tomorrow!

😁

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. 
Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. 
After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 
While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" 
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" 😉