Jokes #4

[StnCld316]

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Whats that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.

First Lady: Where did you get it?

Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[StnCld316]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

[StnCld316]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called a Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

[pulo filipe]

The unemployed woman was browsing the classifieds and decides to call an ad for a cleaning lady. At the end of the conversation, the lady who answered her asks: - And how much do you expect to earn per day? - Ah, for less than sixty reais a day I don't even leave the house! - the woman answers, categorically. - But this is absurd! I'm a teacher and I don't earn all that! - And why do you think I stopped teaching?

[pulo filipe]

The parrot went to the night chicken and traced all the chicken, since dawn the day the rooster started singing and was soon the first chickens down, and of course the rooster drew was going was going, only left the parrot and a chicken the furrier, the chicken looked at the parrot and said will you first, the parrot looked chicken pro and said: - I'm tired, and pretended to be asleep, and the rooster there singing, spent time the chicken was hungry and went down, the rooster came on top of him when the parrot screamed in there: - ENCOSTA the C * U iN PAREEEEDE, ENCOSTA the C * U iN PAREEEDE ...

[pulo filipe]

A couple had a parrot that every night when the woman passed in the hallway to go to sleep, the parrot turned to her and said: - Your cow will be fine!!! She went to the room and told her husband that she didn't believe him, so she said:-Why don't you dress up as a woman and walk by him? The husband puts on his dressing gown, puts lipstick on his mouth and passes in the hallway. When the parrot sees him, he says: - IH, BEYOND HORN is a fag too...

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money ... he calls home.
"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and$10,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. 
The boy calls home.
"So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read ??"says his father.
"No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?"
"Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. 
So he shoots the dog!!!
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked, "So, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel💃who lives down the street ?"
The father went white and exclaimed ... "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"😡
"I sure did, dad!
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school and is now a politician 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy’s clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started…”. The mother cuts him off and says “just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting “I’m leaving you… Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer.” 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, 
'Up or down?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 
'Up or down?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman continued to guide the boat until he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 
'Up or down?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
'Yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid,' she replied. 
'I thought the choices were 
fuck or drown....' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

Johnny the monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. 
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. 
So, monk Johnny gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!" 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The monk Johnny  asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.. CELEBRATE" 😉

[tle]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
Lato  sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..." 😉