Aussie_oi_oi Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. The parishioner heard Father Murphy mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!" By this time, the parishioner couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked the priest, "Why do you say Hoover?" "It's the biggest dam I know," he replied. 😉 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 A ragged, old derelict biker shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 pilot, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."..The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try. The seedy old pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced....What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."..The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up", and that he wrote it himself. He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john. When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly-boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!" 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 All about how you characterize you problem A crusty old man walks into the local Methodist Church and says to the secretary, ‘I would like to join this damn church.’ The astonished woman replies, ‘I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?’ ‘Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!’ ‘I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.’ The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, ‘Sir, what seems to be the problem here?’ ‘There is no damn problem,’ the man says. ‘I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.’ ‘I see,’ said the pastor. ‘And is this bitch giving you a hard time?’ 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 So my neighbor called the cops on me, saying I was smoking weed on my deck....I wasn't, but when the cops came, I said I already smoked it. So they asked me where I had bought the weed...I told them my neighbors sold it to me! Now they're at their house! LOL... Don't rat out your neighbors!! 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?. "No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!" 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 GOLF An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news I that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache." 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted August 4, 2022 Share Posted August 4, 2022 A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza... CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law! CALLER: WHAT THE !!! GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted August 22, 2022 Share Posted August 22, 2022 A man walks into the bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm, sits down and tells the bartender... I'll have two beers, one for me & one for the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 Don't worry about him @Aussie_oi_oiWith all the good ones that you do post, one little fuck up won't matter! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted August 23, 2022 Author Share Posted August 23, 2022 30 minutes ago, TBG 150 said: Don't worry about him @Aussie_oi_oiWith all the good ones that you do post, one little fuck up won't matter! I was just joking with him. He knows what I am like and not take it seriously. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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