Jokes #4

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD 
WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE........ 
MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. 
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. 
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 
YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. 
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 
THEN, THAT UGLY, 
OLD, 
BALDING, 
WRINKLED FACED, 
FAT-ASSED, 
GRAY-HAIRED, 
DECREPIT, 
MISERABLE, 
SON-OF-A-BITCH 
ASKED... 
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ??????  😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.  So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded with:  " Rome!  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental!" exclaimed the hairdresser.  That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." 
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome 
"It was wonderful," explained the woman.  "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel; the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. 
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. 
awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, 
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. 
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. 
"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." 😉

[pulo filipe]

During dinner, Joãozinho talks to his mother: - Mom, why is Dad bald? - Well, son.... Because he has many things to think about and is very intelligent! - But mom... then why do you have so much hair? - Shut up and eat this bloody soup, boy!

[pulo filipe]

Four fags died in a car accident. When they arrived in heaven, prejudice began. Saint Peter said: - Let's make a line. Queer 1, Queer 2, Queer 3 and Queer 4. After the queue had formed, with the queers in the proper order, Saint Peter began to ask about the queers' sins. -Fag 1, what's your sin? -I put my hand on a man's dick -Alright, wash your hand in that water over there and you're forgiven. Bicha 2, what's your sin? -I put both hands on a man's dick -Alright, wash your hand in that water over there and you're forgiven Suddenly, the other two fags started to fight: - I'm the one who goes in front, no, I'm the one who's going, no, who's going to be me and so on. - Saint Peter said: Stop fighting, what's going on?

[hs6127]

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
 Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
 "Will I be acquitted?" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, 
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. 
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. 
The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the 
ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help the women 
out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their 
private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the 
hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's 
examination.  The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to 
Billings, Montana." 
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"  
"No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now."  😉

[StnCld316]

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
 

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
 

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
 

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
 

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

[StnCld316]

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
 

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."