Jokes #4

[StnCld316]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’

The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the Funeral.’

[StnCld316]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks.

‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’

‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

[StnCld316]

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.

The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

[StnCld316]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

The taxman cometh.
At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said 
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[StnCld316]

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[StnCld316]

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!

After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

[StnCld316]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[StnCld316]

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
 

Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet.

Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle.

Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys, hey guys what are we talking about.

Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are.

Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper.

Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life.

Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.

[StnCld316]

A guy is walking when suddenly falls and injures his hand. on his way to the hospital, he sees this huge ad on a new machine, the ad claimed that the machine is able to diagnose any disease and write treatment plans for it only by taking urine sample.

The man walks to the machine puts a penny in it and then gives the sample. after a few beeps, a note comes out "your hand's tendon is injured, don't put it under any stress and exercise". the man was amazed and decides to mess with the machine, so when he reaches home, he takes a bottle, then pours some water in it, then makes his dog urinate in it, and then sees his daughter's chewed gum on floor so puts it in the bottle also, and finally to sum it up, masturbates in the bottle. Then he heads towards the machine and gives the sample to the machine. After 10 minutes of strange noises and sounds that machine made, a note comes out,

"Your water pipe will clog soon, be sure to fix it. Your dog will die in 2 weeks, be prepared for it. Your daughter is pregnant, go beat the boy living upstairs. If you keep masturbating like this, your injured tendon won't heal!"

[pulo filipe]

One afternoon, a successful lawyer was being driven in his limousine to his place, when he noticed two ragged men eating grass by the side of the road. He immediately ordered the driver to stop, got out of the vehicle and asked: - Why are you eating grass? - Because we don't have money to buy food, answered one of the men. - Well, you can come with me to the place, said the lawyer. - Sir, I have a wife and three children here. "Bring them too," replied the lawyer. - What about my friend?! The lawyer turned to the other man and said: - You can come with us too. - But, sir, I also have a wife and six children, said the second man. "They can accompany us too," the lawyer said as he headed back to the limo. Everyone settled as best they could in the limousine, and when they were on their way, one of the escorts said: - You are very kind. Thank you for taking us all with you. The lawyer replied: - You're welcome!!! You will love my site. The grass is almost a foot tall !!!!!