Jokes #4

[pulo filipe]

The blonde could not pass the test for any jobs. She decided to take extreme action to make money: I'll kidnap a child! she thought-she! With the ransom money I solve my life ... She walked to a playground, an upscale neighborhood, saw a well-dressed boy, pulled him behind the thicket and was soon writing the note: 'Dear mother this is a kidnapping. I'm his son. Please let the redemption of R $ 10,000.00, tomorrow, noon, behind the playground tree. Ass: Blonde kidnapper 'Then she took the note, dobrou-, and put the boy's jacket pocket, saying: - Now go and deliver this note to her mother. The next day, the blonde goes to the agreed place. She finds a bag. It opens, is R $ 10,000.00 in cash and a ticket together, saying, 'there is redemption you Standing IUD. Just do not conform as a blonde could do that to another ... '

[TBG 150]

The translation really does this no good. 

[Aussie_oi_oi]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his

devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either.

[pulo filipe]

The guy comes home early and surprised a naked woman lying in bed. At the same moment he starts searching the probable lover. He looks under the bed, nothing behind the door, no one opens the closet and face with a blond, handsome young man. - What are you doing there? - he asks, enraged. - Uh ... um ... I came dedetizar the closet ... - the boy stutters. - The moths are eating all the clothes! - But, naked? - Did you see? Already ate mine too!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉

A captain of his ship Blarney Billy bags (believe it or not he was a captain) was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!" 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That's cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the mall shop or go to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!' 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

[tle]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[tle]

A guy went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local, to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your male organ which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

[tle]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[pulo filipe]

of speed? Loads from the 14th floor window of a building, run down the stairs, get to the sidewalk, trim the shit with a newspaper, look up and see the ass blinking.

[pulo filipe]

A woman was in the Internet chat room when a person with a strange nickname asked: - Want to chat? - You are male or female? - she asked. - Do you want to type or not? - It depends! You are male or female? - Guess! - OK! Tell me there: five brands of beer! - Brahma, Kaiser, Skol, Antarctica, Bavaria! - Great, great... Now tell me five brands of condoms! - Jontex, Prosex... Hmm... it's hard! - Yeah... you're a man! - Yes I am! But how did you find out? - Easy, why, you drink more than you fuck!