Aussie_oi_oi

Joke of the day 😉 An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." 😉

You will be missed 😉 Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim. 😉

Joke of the day 😉 John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greeted them and said, “Hey, John! How ya doin?” Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he’d been to this club before. “Oh no,” said John. “He’s one of the security guys I meet on my business trips.” When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he’d like his usual and brought over a Budweiser. His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “I recognize her, she’s the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.” A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her. John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turned around and said, “Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time.” 😉

Joke of the day 😉 A man in Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. The man opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. He said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to the man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" He said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 😉

Joke of the day 😉 whistling Blarney Billy bags is walking behind his wife and says,"Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bed time, the man is asking for love making. The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load.You'll have to hand wash. 😉

How ya goin' ya big old world of lonely bastards.

bugger

What's this about?

Thank you

Double banger

Might just hold off on my birthday wishes while in UM.

Joke of the day 😉 No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to talk, or are you going to fish? " 😉

🤣

Joke of the day 😉 A blind man walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink and announces that he has a blonde joke to tell. All the women go quiet and turn to face him. The woman sitting next to him says, “Before you tell your joke, I’d just like to inform you that: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3. I’m blonde, 6’4’’, 260 pounds and have a black belt in karate. 4. The woman next to me is also blonde and she’s a professional boxer. 5. The woman on your right is also blonde and she’s a weightlifter. So now that you know this, are you sure you want to tell your blonde joke?” The blind man shakes his head and says, “Oh. Well, never mind then.” The woman laughs and says, “I thought so, you don’t want to get your ass kicked, do ya.” The blind man replies, “No, it’s not that, I just don’t want to have to explain the joke five times.” 😉

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Breakfast time?

Joke of the day 😉 She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help? She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in the car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, Sure. "He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God, for sending me such a very nice man." The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional! 😉