Aussie_oi_oi

What's this about?

Thank you

Double banger

Might just hold off on my birthday wishes while in UM.

Joke of the day 😉 No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to talk, or are you going to fish? " 😉

🤣

Joke of the day 😉 A blind man walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink and announces that he has a blonde joke to tell. All the women go quiet and turn to face him. The woman sitting next to him says, “Before you tell your joke, I’d just like to inform you that: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3. I’m blonde, 6’4’’, 260 pounds and have a black belt in karate. 4. The woman next to me is also blonde and she’s a professional boxer. 5. The woman on your right is also blonde and she’s a weightlifter. So now that you know this, are you sure you want to tell your blonde joke?” The blind man shakes his head and says, “Oh. Well, never mind then.” The woman laughs and says, “I thought so, you don’t want to get your ass kicked, do ya.” The blind man replies, “No, it’s not that, I just don’t want to have to explain the joke five times.” 😉

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Breakfast time?

Joke of the day 😉 She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help? She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in the car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, Sure. "He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God, for sending me such a very nice man." The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional! 😉

Joke of the day 😉 A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said: ""The cat just died." She burst into tears and said: "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?" Husband: "She is playing on the roof." 😉

Joke of the day 😉 A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" 😉

Love sick?

😁

Joke of the day 😉 A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' 😉

Joke of the day 😉 A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?” As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?” “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.” The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.” Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.” As the left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?” “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, *I noticed the priest under the bed.”*😉

Joke of the day 😉 A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: - Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. - Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? - Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? - Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? - Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes? 😉