Jokes #4

[StnCld316]

“Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day  😉  

John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greeted them and said, “Hey, John! How ya doin?”
Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he’d been to this club before.
“Oh no,” said John. “He’s one of the security guys I meet on my business trips.”
When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he’d like his usual and brought over a Budweiser.
His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“I recognize her, she’s the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.”
A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
John’s wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.
John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turned around and said, “Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time.”  😉

[pulo filipe]

Once upon a time, there was a Mexican ox who was in love with a cow that lived on the other side of the fence. One day, tired of waiting for the cow's love, the ox jumped over the fence and decided to introduce himself. - Hi, pretty kitty, what's your name? Then the cow gently replied: - My name is Florisbela, but you can just call me beautiful because the flowers are on the ground in the field. And her name, what is it? Then the ox sadly replied: - My name is Sacobelo, but you can just call me Belo because my bag was there on the fence...

[pulo filipe]

The guy was well endowed, but exaggeratedly endowed: his instrument measured 50 cm!!! In reality he was not as happy as many might imagine. He always had to buy baggy pants so he could tie said whose on his thigh. Urinating was a nightmare, just imagine... The girls fainted just thinking about it... One day he was crying his sorrows with a friend, talking about his sufferings. The friend said: - But that's okay! Don't you know that there is a thrush in the forest? - Like this?? - You go there, and ask her if she wants to marry you. She will answer: No. With that her cock will shrink ten centimeters. - Serious!!! I'm going there tomorrow morning... When we got there, our friend had no trouble finding the thrush. - Sapinha, do you want to marry me? - No! Returning home, he went straight to the bathroom, ruler in hand: 40 cm! Overjoyed at the shortened he went out for a spin, and began to think: In reality 50 or 40 is still impractical. I will go back in the forest again. - Sapinha, do you want to marry me? - No! And measured again: 30 cm! He thought: Hmm, better than before, but maybe at 20... Oh yeah, the girls would be thrilled. And there he returned: - Sapinha, do you want to marry me? - I already said: No! No! No!

[pulo filipe]

A man driving in traffic stops, and suddenly, someone hits the window of his car. He rolls down the window and asks what the other man wants. The other man says: 'The President has been kidnapped and the ransom is $50 million. If the ransom is not paid, the hijacker will pour gasoline and set him on fire. We are collecting contributions. Would you like to participate?' The man in the car asks, 'On average how much are people donating?' The other man replies: 'About 5 to 10 liters'.

[Aussie_oi_oi]

You will be missed 😉

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will 
be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
- Why the early bird gets the worm; 
- Life isn't always fair; 
- and maybe it was my fault. 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) 
and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). 
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing 
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment 
for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; 
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves 
had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. 
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent 
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents 
when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received 
better treatment than their victims. 
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home 
and the burglar could sue you for assault. 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise 
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was 
promptly awarded a huge settlement. 
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, 
by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. 
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: 
I Know My Rights 
I Want It Now 
Someone Else Is To Blame 
I'm A Victim. 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs
and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, 
"Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking 
horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. 
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the 
morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems 
to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." 😉

[Aussie_oi_oi]

“My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.”

[Aussie_oi_oi]

Joke of the day 😉  

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"  😉

[SPYING 1]

On 6/25/2022 at 8:08 AM, Aussie_oi_oi said:

“My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.”

https://www.news.com.au/finance/money/investing/smart-investing-can-see-you-make-50000-a-year-in-passive-income/news-story/49f10ea064e21a16bff4490d512bf946

 

[tle]

Man reaches the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter asks, “Have you ever helped anyone, given to charity or worked in a soup line?”.

Man says, “Well, I stopped at a restaurant one time when traveling through the Black Hills. There were a bunch of rough mean biker dudes giving this old lady a hard time. So, I told myself I should come to her aid. I decided to find the biggest, baddest biker with the most tattoos and piercings. I walked up to him straight away and punched him with all I had right on his left jaw. I then ripped his nose ring out and threw it on the ground and said, “If you want to fight someone I’m here to accommodate you! You need to leave the lady alone!””

Saint Peter says, “Wow! When was this?”

Man says, “About 5 minutes ago”
 

[pulo filipe]

On a dark night, returning from a motorcade through the countryside, one of the buses, full of politicians, leaves the road, overturns twice and crashes into a farm. The farmer wakes up scared and goes to see what happened. When faced with that terrifying sight, he quickly starts digging a hole, where he bury the bodies. A few days later, an investigator knocks on his door and asks several questions about the accident. - And where are the politicians? - I buried them in that grave over there! - But were they all dead? - the policeman is startled. - Well... some said no... but you know how politicians are liars!