Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 17, 2022 Share Posted September 17, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Daughter: Dad I have a flat tire! Dad: Can't you call your husband? Daughter: I did. He didn't answer. Dad: Do you have a spare? Daughter: He didn't answer either! 😉 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 17, 2022 Share Posted September 17, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee." 😉 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 17, 2022 Share Posted September 17, 2022 My dog ate a whole pack of scrabble tiles so I took her to the vet. No word yet 😉 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A man, told his wife, "When I die, I want all my money put it my casket. I wanna take my money with me." She promised she would. The man died and at the funeral, her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." "I sure did," the wife said. The friend, in shock, said "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check!!" 😉 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said! 😉 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A 50ish woman is home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches & asks "Do u have any idea how ridiculous u look? What's the matter with u?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care what u think. I just had a mammogram, & the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied! 😉 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running." 😉 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 48 minutes ago, Aussie_oi_oi said: Joke of the day 😉 The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running." 😉 So bad, it's almost funny! 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted September 23, 2022 Share Posted September 23, 2022 11 hours ago, TBG 150 said: So bad, it's almost funny! 😉 I had to give him a 🤣... 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted September 25, 2022 Share Posted September 25, 2022 A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The woman says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there." 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted September 26, 2022 Share Posted September 26, 2022 My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out of our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered. Then to my absolute embarrassment and amusement he said as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again either." The silence in the Uber was deafening..... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tle Posted September 28, 2022 Share Posted September 28, 2022 When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights. ...Dad beat my ass again… 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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