Who Got Jokes!!!

[Buster]

You want a good laugh? Add up the IQ levels of half the people on CC, then proceed to embrace hilarity.

[StnCld316]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[StnCld316]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[TBG 150]

A group of American tourists stopped at a pub in Cork.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers.

I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me,

so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

[TBG 150]

Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf.

I was bored with nothing to do.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

I opened it to find a young, well dressed man standing

there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked,

"What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the hell out of me. Nobody's ever let me in before."

[TBG 150]

SMART ASS 

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do. 

 

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. 

 

He invited all his neighbors to come over 

and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and

began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down. 

 

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at

what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit

his back, the donkey was doing something

amazing. He would shake it off and

take a step up. 

 

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up. 

 

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the

donkey stepped up over the edge of the

well and happily trotted off! 

 

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. 

 

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 

 

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 

 

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 

 

Live simply and appreciate what you have. 

 

Give more ; Expect less. 

 

 

NOW .... 

Enough of that crap  . . .

The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony

from septic shock. 

MORAL OF TODAY'S LESSON: 

 

When you do something wrong,   

and try to cover your ass,   

it always comes back to bite you . 

[ARMY SNIPER]

[StnCld316]

Fifteen skinheads chased a Pakistani into a shop and proceed to kick seven flavours of shit out of him. Eventually, the police arrived and arrested everyone.

One of the coppers walked over to the shop assistant and asked if he saw it all happen.

When the clerk replied, "Yes," the cop asked why he didn't help out.

The clerk replied, "I thought Fifteen was enough."

[StnCld316]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[StnCld316]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to achair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom…

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!

He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen awoman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you.

"To which his wife responds:"

He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey.

I love you too!"

[StnCld316]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

    COLD BEER: $2.00

    HAMBURGER: $2.25

    CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

    HAND JOB: $50.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

    The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

    She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

    The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[ARMY SNIPER]

I got Jokes.