Aussie_oi_oi Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said: ""The cat just died." She burst into tears and said: "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?" Husband: "She is playing on the roof." 😉 1 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help? She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in the car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, Sure. "He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God, for sending me such a very nice man." The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional! 😉 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 When @Aussie_oi_oiposts a joke, I know it will be good! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Share Posted June 12, 2022 Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under your pillow." Later the next morning, the grandson wakes found $110 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Share Posted June 12, 2022 There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 12, 2022 Author Share Posted June 12, 2022 Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.” 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted June 13, 2022 Share Posted June 13, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A blind man walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink and announces that he has a blonde joke to tell. All the women go quiet and turn to face him. The woman sitting next to him says, “Before you tell your joke, I’d just like to inform you that: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3. I’m blonde, 6’4’’, 260 pounds and have a black belt in karate. 4. The woman next to me is also blonde and she’s a professional boxer. 5. The woman on your right is also blonde and she’s a weightlifter. So now that you know this, are you sure you want to tell your blonde joke?” The blind man shakes his head and says, “Oh. Well, never mind then.” The woman laughs and says, “I thought so, you don’t want to get your ass kicked, do ya.” The blind man replies, “No, it’s not that, I just don’t want to have to explain the joke five times.” 😉 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to talk, or are you going to fish? " 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 whistling Blarney Billy bags is walking behind his wife and says,"Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bed time, the man is asking for love making. The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load.You'll have to hand wash. 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 Joke of the day 😉 A man in Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. The man opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. He said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to the man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" He said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 😉 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 19, 2022 Author Share Posted June 19, 2022 “Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting yourself in the forehead.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 19, 2022 Author Share Posted June 19, 2022 “A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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