Slender Man Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 A little girl finds her dog dead with his legs in the air and she asks her dad why it's like that. Dad says," It has died and it's like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven." Next day the girl says to her dad, "Mom nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting "Oh Jesus, i'm coming, i'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been on top of her we would have lost her for sure!" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on, the first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!!" 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slender Man Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 When a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's a pervert. @Amy3 Grass is green, tress are greener. When i think of you, i play with my wiener. 🤣 A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you here for today?" Woman: "Oh, i'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm. They pay me $25 for it." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later. the same man and woman meet again at the center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: (shaking head with mouth closed) "Unh unh." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 A Rabbi and a Priest are out golfing. The Priest takes his first shot and gets a hole in one. He smiles, then tells the Rabbi it's his turn. The Rabbi takes his shot, and completely missed the golf ball. The Rabbi then shouts "Shit, I missed!" The Priest shakes his head and says "I would like it if you didn't utter such unholy words". The Rabbi shrugs and they continue playing. The Rabbi goes for a second turn, and he misses the ball again and says "Shit, I missed again!" The Priest glares at the Rabbi and tells him sternly "This is your last warning. If you utter such unholy words once more, I will have to ask God to strike you". The Rabbi shrugs and they keep playing. The Rabbi goes again and sure enough, he misses the ball. Frustrated, the Rabbi shouts "Shit, I missed again!" The Priest sighs and says "Sorry Rabbi, I'm going to have to ask God to strike you". The Priest turns his back to the Rabbi, and starts praying to God. All of a sudden, a giant bolt of lightning hits the Priest and kills him on the spot. The Rabbi is shocked but he then hears a booming voice come out of the sky saying "Shit, I missed!" 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grandson, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed "For the love of God!" "Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson Jimmy in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back! Jimmy burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon. Love, Grandma. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Officer Piper was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6-month long mission. Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so long before he saw their faces again. Heavy hearted, he went to his chambers to as the vessel started its voyage. Longingly, he looked out the porthole window, hoping to catch one last glimpse of his wife and 4-year-old child standing on the dock. But instead of smiling faces with tear stained cheeks, he saw water rising. 'Oh shit' he thought! I better alert the captain! Running to the control room, he shouted to all his seamen. "Guys, guys, everyone, listen! We're taking on water! Something's going wrong! Get your lifejackets or we're all going to drown!" Mass hysteria ensued, as the sailors all scrambled to find their life vests, lest they all sink down to the bottom of the ocean. With a dozen seamen all running behind him, he reached the Captain. Panting from yelling and running and the sheer terror of the situation, he blurts out "Cap'n! We're going down! We're all going to die! I looked outside the window in my cabin, and we were already falling below sea level!" The Captain looks back with a defeated posture. "Piper, you fucking idiot. We're on a submarine". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robwin Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 Loved the grandma one,fucking brilliant 🤭 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 Joke of the day 😉 Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's there for five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" "A hundred dollars." "Damn. All I've got is thirty." "Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?" "A handjob," Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"....................... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 One for the old timers. Dean Martin used to sing this song, although with very different lyrics. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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