Who Got Jokes!!!

[Ozi]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met an American General. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America .." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".

[upndown]

Guy starts a job as a salesman in a store.

On his first morning, the boss says "I'll take the first customer and show you how it's done"

Customer comes in and asks for five packs of grass seed. The boss says "Certainly sir, there you are. Now, can I suggest some lawn feed to aid growth". "OK" says the customer. "There you go" says the boss. "Now sir, you will have a lovely lawn, so can I show you our special offer on our top lawn mower?" The customer buys that too and leaves. The boss says "Ok, that's how its done. You take the next one".

A man comes in with a stubley faced woman. He comes to the counter and says:

"A packet of sanitary towels please"

Salesman: "Certainly sir, there you are. Now, you'll need a lawn mower"!

Man: "A lawn mower"??

Salesman: Yea, well your weekend's fucked anyway, you might as well cut the grass!!

(This joke worked better in the days before shaved pussies, when a Brazilian was someone from Brazil!!)

[TBG 150]

Life's Demerit System

All men who have been married will attest to some real wisdom in this email...

...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:   

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!   

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: 

   

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer. (-5)

 

PROTECTIVE DUTIES   

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)

It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)

 

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS   

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has breast implants. (-40)

 

HER BIRTHDAY   

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

 

A NIGHT OUT   

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

 

YOUR PHYSIQUE   

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

 

THE BIG QUESTION   

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

(Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

You give any other response. (-40)

 

COMMUNICATION   

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

[TBG 150]

  RETIREMENT OPTIONS

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

 

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find

Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.  ( IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen  recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter,  and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is  "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder"

 

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Wyoming where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor or cattle to cross the road.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at. 

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

[Ozi]

WOMAN'S DIARY

11 Oct Sunday -

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strange. I'd been shopping

in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him thought it

might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go

somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere

nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly

laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was

saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He

hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook

his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I

said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him

that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we

made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. Cried myself to

sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY:

11 Oct Sunday -

Team lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

[StnCld316]

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher."It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

"Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

[TBG 150]

:yikes:  :lmao:

[Foamy T. Squirrel]

Jokes are here: http://imgur.com/gallery/8HL4K

[jblak]

Q. How do you greet a Jewish Kiwi

A. Hee Brew!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Tom, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu But I think it's Tom.

My wife put on a pair of crotchless knickers this morning opened her legs and said "I bet this brings back memories doesn't it, love?" I said yeah "I just remembered I gotta nip down the butchers".

I asked my wife what she would like for an anniversary gift. She said "Something gold... I like gold!" I asked "Yes, but what?" She said "I honestly don't mind, just something gold". She had very little grounds for any argument as I handed her a fish.

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said "I gonna do that when I win lottery". "What's dat?" says his mate. Send me lawn away to be cut, says Paddy.

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary".

[TBG 150]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not

cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.

That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to make us angry.

[jblak]

What's yellow and kills beatles?

Yoko Ono

[jblak]

An old couple decided to go trick or treating for the first time in 50 years, The wife says " what can I go as?"

The husband says " go as whatever you like". She disappears into the bedroom and emerges naked with a piece of string hanging between her legs with a lemon tied to the end. The husband says " What the hell" Wife says  "you said I could go as anything I wanted, so this is it!" Husband goes into the bedroom and returns naked with a potato hanging off a piece of string, tied to his cock. Wife says, now what the hell are you supposed to be?"

Husband replies, "Well if your going as a Sour Puss, I'm going as a Dicktator!"