Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 Joke of the day It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albundy1089 Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 My ex-girlfriend just called and told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY! I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 Joke of the day A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nagachilli2 Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albundy1089 Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening..... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 Joke of the day Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussie_oi_oi Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 Joke of the day Several men are in the locker room of Miamiview Golf Club. A cell phone on a bench rings and Jim engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. JIM: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" JIM: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" JIM: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked." JIM: "How much?" WOMAN: "$140,000" JIM: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,050,000" JIM: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,000,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" JIM: "Bye! I love you, too." Jim hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. Jim turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARMY SNIPER Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Aussie_oi_oi said: Joke of the day Several men are in the locker room of Miamiview Golf Club. A cell phone on a bench rings and Jim engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. JIM: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" JIM: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" JIM: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked." JIM: "How much?" WOMAN: "$140,000" JIM: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,050,000" JIM: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,000,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" JIM: "Bye! I love you, too." Jim hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. Jim turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Teach Him to leave his phone laying around. 🤣 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albundy1089 Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letsdothis Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 Went to see a psychic who was in a bad mood... ...then I saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy. I'm just trying to find a happy medium 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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