Jokes #1

[HappyChappie]

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming! 🙂

[HappyChappie]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 🙂

[HappyChappie]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."  🙂

[Alexandria]

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Ring up and say you can't cum.

[Alexandria]

Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said to her, "I'm Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost for me to spend time with you..?"

Her reply, "Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the cost of fuel and screw me the way you have pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!" 

[Alexandria]

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.

So the priest says, "OK, do your sins, come back, and I will bless you".

They went to do their sins and returned later to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.

She replied, " I had sex with a guy."

The priest said OK, blessed her and told her to drink some holy water.

So she did! The next was laughing harder, and the priest asked what her sin was.

She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."

Oh ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did.

The priest asked the last one who could barely stand she was laughing so much what she did.

And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!" 😂

[HappyChappie]

My girlfriend says I'm a control freak, I haven't decided if she right or not yet. 🙂

[nagachilli2]

Uri Geller...surprisingly hard to stab 😏

[letsdothis]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[StarLight28]

Trump fährt mit seinem Fahrer über Land. In einem kleinen Dorf läuft ein Hund über die Straße, der Fahrer überfährt ihn, der Hund ist tot.

Trump sagt: Ich kläre das mit dem Bauern. Nach 5 Minuten kommt Trump zurück. Ein blaues Auge, die Kleidung total zerrissen.

1 Woche später fahren sie wieder durch das Dorf. Ein Schwein rennt über die Straße. Der Fahrer überfährt es - tot.

Trump sagt: Dieses mal klärst Du das mit dem Bauern. Der Fahrer geht zum Bauer. Nach 5 Minuten, 10 Minuten - der Fahrer kommt nicht wieder.

Endlich, nach 30 Minuten kommt der Fahrer zurück. Einen großen Schinken unter dem Arm, Würste,  Geld in den Taschen und angetrunken.

Trump fragt: Was hast Du dem Bauern gesagt ? Der Fahrer: "Ich bin der Fahrer von Trump - und das Schwein ist tot ! "😁

[StarLight28]

Ein Kleinflugzeug mit 4 Personen ist vor dem Absturz. Es sind jedoch nur 3 Fallschirme an Bord. Als erstes sagt Brad Pit: "Meine Kinder und meine Fans brauchen mich" - und springst.

Als nächstes kommt Donald Trump: "Ich bin der cleverste US-Präsident aller Zeiten, Amerika first" - und springt. Zurück bleiben ein Kind und ein alter Mann. Der alte Mann sagt: "Ich habe

mein Leben gelebt. nimm Du den Fallschirm und rette Dich". Das Kind sagt: "Alles ist in Ordnung, der cleverste US-Präsident hat meinen Schulranzen (Schul  Rucksack) genommen" 😁

[StarLight28]

In einer Strandbar in Florida. Der Barkeeper macht einen Drink und rührt und schüttelt - und schüttelt. Dann schiebt er gelangweilt das Glas über den Tresen und schaut dabei zum Himmel. "Sieht nach Regen aus", meint er. Der Gast probiert - - und sagt: darauf hin: "Es schmeckt auch so". 😁