TBG 150 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Your welcome. I'm sure I have something for everyone in this pile somewhere. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foamy T. Squirrel Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Your welcome. I'm sure I have something for everyone in this pile somewhere. :) MOAR!!!!! (Bumping with Bill & Ted) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety. "I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me", said Obama. "Just name it, and it's yours!" "I want a ride on Air Force One", said the first boy. "You've got it!", said Obama. "I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school", said the second boy. "No problem!", said Obama. The third boy thought for a moment, and said "I want a wheelchair". "But why would you want that?", asked Obama. "'Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my fucking legs!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StnCld316 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?? A GOOD QUESTION!! Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call of a woman unexpectedly giving childbirth at her home. The house was very dark (with the electric disabled), so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy, so he could see while he delivered the baby. Very diligently, 3 year old Kathleen did exactly as she was asked. Mommy pushed, and pushed, and after a little while Kathleen’s baby brother, Connor, was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, spanked him on his bottom, and Connor began to cry. The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!" If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for YOU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dth Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 It reminds me of a line that goes something like it take 9 months to get out and a lifetime to get into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 To fully appreciate this you have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello but then you are probably too old to understand computers. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT : Mac? COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou . ABBOTT : Your computer? COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT : Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou . ABBOTT : What about Windows? COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT : Wallpaper. COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT : Software for Windows? COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT : Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT : I just did. COSTELLO : You just did what? ABBOTT : Recommend something. COSTELLO : You recommended something ? ABBOTT : Yes. COSTELLO : For my office? ABBOTT : Yes. COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT : Office. COSTELLO : Yes, for my office! ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT : Word. COSTELLO : What word? ABBOTT : Word in Office. COSTELLO : The only word in office is office. ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT : Money. COSTELLO : I need money to track my money? ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT : Money. COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT : Yes.. No extra charge. COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT : One copy. COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT : Click on 'START'............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now... No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No Nude Women No car races No football No soccer No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No nachos No Beer nuts No Beer !!!!!!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Boy walks into the bedroom to find his mother and father having sex What are you doing Dad? Making you a new brother son, replies dad. Oh well make sure you do it "doggie style" then dad I would much rather have a new puppy. Same dad comes home the next day to find his wife in bed with his best friend. Outraged he pulled out a gun and shot the friend, killing him. Wife screams at him, "Why did you do that " ? "Why do you think? My friend was screwing my wife." "Carry on like that you idiot and you will have no friends left at all." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dth Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I loved whos on first. I do wish they could have done computers live you nailed it and it would have been fun to hear. Also Loved Jim and Edna thanks for putting a smile on my face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBG 150 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 That's what the thread is all about. A break from life and to get a belly laugh. Better to laugh then be miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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